Consequences
by Storymaster Caith
Summary: When you mess with Eric Cartman, you have to face the consequences. In Craig's case, those consequences are very, very painful. oneshot songfic, EricCraig and EricKyle


**Consequences **

**By:** Caith

**Song:** Carrie Underwood's 'Before He Cheats'

**Pairings:** Eric/Craig, Craig/Bebe and Craig/Tweek, Eric/Kyle

**Author's note:** Oh, sigh. I cannot believe this. I am writing South Park fanfiction.

On second thought, wait… I can believe it.

This is my first serious attempt at a South Park fanfic. In case you haven' noticed, it involves homosexual pairings. If that bugs you, why the fuck are you still reading? Get out of my story link! (waits for homophobes to leave) right, anyhoo… as I said, this is my first South Park Fic. Everyone is in high school, so they're kinda OOC. I apologize for that in advance. No real reason for writing this besides the fact that I love Cartman and I think he would make a kick ass highschooler. I'm no great fan of country, but I was listening to this song and could perfectly see Eric beating the crap out of someone's car. Poor Craig…

**Disclaimer:** Belong to Trey and Matt, who would no doubt die of shock and/or consider this for a very twisted episode if ever they saw it. For entertainment purposes only. If I see this printed out places, I will laugh. You expect to make money off of this? If you want it for an archive, gimme a buzz, I'm a college student with little to do.

Right now he's probably slow dancing  
With that bleach blonde tramp  
And she's probably getting frisky

In the end, everyone agreed that it was Craig's fault.

Even after so many years, everyone in South Park knew that you didn't mess with Eric Cartman. Anyone could have told Craig Nemmel that it wasn't a good idea to cheat on his rather volatile boyfriend. Craig, however, had never been the brightest bulb in the box.

_Right now he's probably buying her _

_some fruity little drink  
'Cause she can't shoot whiskey_

Eric stood, quite calmly, in the student parking lot of South Park High. It was about third period, but he didn't seem to mind skipping yet another class with Mr/Ms. Garrison. He contemplated the truck before him. It was a beautiful piece of work, a four wheel drive Chevy, electric blue with lightning bolt detailing. To Eric, it was far more than a truck; it was several very fond memories. He smiled faintly, remembering the …activities which had gone on in that particular truck bed.

Ah, well.

Anyone who looked at Eric now would hardly recognize him. 'The Cartman Boy' had done a remarkable job of adapting to his body. He stood solidly at five ten, his shoulders broad. His face was still slightly rounded, but his many chins were gone, and his brown hair had grown darker with age. A few years of kickboxing lessons had helped work off what he had not grown into, and had improved his already impressive physical strength without muscle binding. Although he wasn't quite supermodel status, Eric Cartman was still in the top ten list of South Park High's most wanted.

Which explained, of course, why he and Craig fucked.

The junior seemed to come to a conclusion and started forward. In one hand he held a set of keys- according to their logo, the ones that operated the vehicle. In the other hand, he held a large, rather solid baseball bat. Making a mental note to thank Stan for the loan of the bat, he went to work.

_Right now he's probably behind her with a pool stick _

_showing Her how to shoot a combo  
And he don't know_

He started with the driver's door. Craig was so proud of the color. That sheen on the snow, he had explained to his boyfriend once. I spent hours mixing to get just that color. Eric had to grin as he scraped the key in intricate patterns down the truck's body. It was amazing, how easily one could destroy something that took so long to create.

Bebe, he remembered furiously as he swung the bat down on the hood of the defenseless vehicle. _He could have cheated on me with any guy in school, and he chooses that… SLUT. _

Two minutes later and the hood was nothing but a mess of scratches and dents. After smashing in the head and taillights, he moved on to the tires. Reaching into his pocket, he withdrew a jackknife which Kenny had helped him sharpen that morning. Choosing the placement of the slashes carefully, he cut ruthlessly into the tires. The hiss of air as they slowly began to deflate was most satisfying.

_I dug my key into the side  
Of his pretty little suped up four wheel drive  
Carved my name into his leather seats  
Took a Louisville slugger to both headlights  
Slashed a hole in all four tires  
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats_

His next act was to yank a full can of shaving cream from his backpack. Ike had leant him the can. The cream, which smelled like cheap cologne, was applied liberally over the rest of the paintjob, even outlining the lightning bolts on either side.

Eric stepped back to admire his handiwork. The car was not completely totaled- yet. It would take a few thousand dollars to fix it, though. He nodded in satisfaction. One last thing to do, then.

He opened the side door of the car, carelessly wrenching it from where it was stuck near the dents in the hood. He contemplated where to complete the job. In the middle, where they sat together at Stark's pond. Carefully and almost gracefully, Eric Cartman began to scratch the leather seat covers.

"_**Dear cock sucking motherfucker, Hope you have fun screwing Bebe. Love, Eric." **_

Climbing out of the car, he gave it one last going over. Then he took the keys and dropped them into the open gas tank.

Right now she's probably up singing some white trash version of Shania karaoke  
Right now she's probably saying I 'm drunk and he's thinking that he's gonna get lucky  
Right now he's probably dabbing on three dollars worth of that bathroom polo  
And he don't know

"Are you done?" Came the soft voice from across the parking lot. Eric turned and grinned at the boy who came towards him. As Eric Cartman had grown into himself, so had Kyle Boflovski. He adjusted his green unshaka and shook out his denim jacket. Where Eric was solid, an oak tree, Kyle was a willow, slim and flexible. Age had washed away the slight smattering of freckles he once had, and gravity had defeated his hair, which stuck out from under his cap at odd angles. He leaned nonchalantly on his friend's shoulder as he surveyed the damage.

"Goddamn, Cartman. I thought you knew he was cheating on you."

Eric shrugged. "I did. Once he's done with Bebe, he'll wind up with Tweek."

"And you know this becauseeee?"

"Because unlike some dumb Jews, I pay attention."

Kyle only wrinkled his nose at the insult to his faith. "That still doesn't tell me why you beat the shit out of his truck."

"Because he cheated on me with BEBE. Duh."

Kyle rolled his eyes. Never, in a million years, would he be able to understand Eric Cartman. Then again..he blushed as the other boy raised one perfectly arched brow. "School's gonna get out soon." He said, attempting to ignore the look he was getting. "We should get the hell out of here. Remind me again why I'm doing this for you?"

"Because I still have that photo of you tonguing a picture of Brad Pitt."

If it was possible for Kyle Boflovski to blush any redder than his hair, he would have. "Goddamn it, Cartman." He muttered. Eric smirked, then grabbed Kyle's hand. "Thanks for being the getaway driver, Jew."

"No problem, fatass."

The sound of a gunning engine echoed through the parking lot as Kyle Boflovski drove his friend home.

_That I dug my key into the side _

_Of his pretty little suped up four wheel drive _

Carved my name into his leather seats 

_Took a louisville slugger to both headlights _

_Slashed a hole in all four tires _

_Maybe next time he'll think _

_Before he cheats…_

It was rumored that when Craig Nemmel saw what happened to his truck, he sobbed like a little girl. Of course, everyone in school had known he had it coming, so there was very little sympathy all around. True to Eric's prediction, Craig dumped Bebe and began dating Tweek, who (although he never resorted to vehicularcide) seemed to have his own way to keep his boyfriend in line.

There was no evidence linking the vandalism to Eric Cartman, except for Craig's word. The keys in the gastank were devoid of fingerprints by the time Officer Barbrady managed to get them out, the bat which had done the damage was nowhere to be found, and the shaving cream was Craig's personal brand, the kind he kept under his front seat for emergencies. Whatever had slashed the tires was carried away from the scene.

Of course, no one dared question Stan Marsh or the Boflovski brothers. True, they were friends with Eric, but why on earth would they have anything to do with such a horrid act? Kenny McCormick was a plausible suspect, of course, but he was also from the other side of the tracks. No one ever knew where Kenny was unless he wanted them to know.

About three months after the 'Craig Incident', Eric Cartman began seriously dating Kyle Boflovski. Though the entire class had known since the day Cartman admitted he was gay that the hook up would eventually happen, no one dared comment. After all, car repairs were expensive.

I mighta saved a little trouble for the next girl  
'Cause the next time that he cheats  
You know it won't be on me

END

What the crap is Kyle's hat called, anyway? oO

Yes, I know, I have ruined Cartman's character. I plan on ruining it a lot more, so get over it. Reviews and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism make my day.


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